Brad Poynter and the Zombie Apocalypse

Safety first, kids.

When last we spoke with firearm comedian Brad Poynter, he was going on about how guns are a part of his family, like a dog with bullets. In today’s installment, Brad and I talk more about blowing stuff up, gun control, and zombies. You don’t want to miss this one.


Al: What is the coolest thing you’ve ever done with a gun? What could have gone wrong?

Brad: From a philosophical standpoint, the coolest thing I have ever done with a gun is try to show people that they aren’t just murder machines by using them for comedy… But that wasn’t really what you wanted to know.

 Al: Actually, that answer is better than anything I could have hoped for, but please feel free to make assumptions about my intentions. When you’ve done that to your satisfaction, please tell me the coolest thing that you’ve ever done with a gun that involves the destruction of property.

Brad: That would be using my AK as the trigger to blow up the microwave. I was shooting at a can full of gasoline hidden behind a black microwave door.

Al: That sounds like a difficult shot.

Brad: I was proud that it only took two shots to hit it.

Al: I knew I was right to choose you for tubgoat.

Brad: It could have gone horribly wrong if I had used too much gasoline. In hindsight, I should have used a little more. I wasn’t sure just how explosive it was going to be so I erred on the side of caution, and even then I still built a barricade and wore a helmet and goggles.

Al: I would call you a wuss again, but since we’re both fathers, I will instead applaud your wisdom.

Brad: If I hadn’t, the microwave door could have blown off in my direction and possibly decapitated me. That would have sucked.

 Al: Agreed. Then, the only gun owners left in the world would be the crazy ones. Have you ever been injured by a gun–either yours or someone else’s?

Brad: My early fears of guns have made me very cautious, so no, I have never been injured by one. Wait–there was the one time that my niece shot me in the butt with my own BB gun. Does that count? It did leave a mark.

Al: Yes. Yes, it does. So who, other than children with ass obsessions, should not be allowed to own firearms?

Brad: Violent felons, those with severe mental problems and Twilight fans.

Al: Because Lord knows those folk would only use them for nefarious purposes. If all your guns were taken away from you and every other gun owner, what activity would take the place of shooting stuff?

Brad: I would be plotting to overthrow the government that passed such an unconstitutional law, just like George Washington would have wanted me to.


Al: On the subject of dead people, there is one last subject we need to discuss–the most important subject of all: When the zombie apocalypse begins, what gear will you keep on hand? Let’s start with your mobile rig.

Brad: For weapons I would choose two large caliber revolvers worn cowboy style, a .12 gauge pump action shotgun with an extended magazine for close range and hall clearing, a lever action .30-30 carbine for long range, and a big Claymore sword just in case the ammo runs dry.

Al: And for defense?

End times Poynter
Be prepared.

Brad: For armor? Let’s just say that I would be wearing enough leather make a cowboy biker transvestite dominatrix unzip his mouth flap and say “Damn son, I think you’re overdoin’ it.”

Al: Interesting…

Brad: Of course, the best thing to do is find a place and hunker down, but if you had to go out alone, a horse would be your best bet for long-term survival. You wouldn’t have to worry about gas, the horse steers itself if needed, which leaves your hands free for shooting or sword swinging. And it’s going to know when something is trying to sneak up on you long before you do.

Al: With naught but various modified garden implements, it is now painfully obvious that I am woefully unprepared.

Brad: If you come by my place looking for food and shelter, the password to keep from getting shot on sight is

tubgoat thanks Brad Poynter for his time and advice. We look forward to speaking with him in future, as topics arise that require the expertise of one such as he. 

tubgoat does not condone the purchase, ownership, or use of firearms, nor does it endorse any of the firearms mentioned in this series. tubgoat does, however, recommend the use of firearms against zombies because–let’s face it–a lobo will only get you so far in a tight spot.

Hit me. I can take it.

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